Binding 13

Much of Johnny’s identity centers on his ability to play rugby, but this identity means something different to him than it does to others. Because he is secretive about his pain, others see only his excellence on the field. For Johnny, the experience of rugby is primarily one of pain and exhaustion. The first time he is introduced to the reader, he is on the rugby pitch, and his narration begins with the declaration, “I was exhausted” (19). He then goes on to describe his strict diet, his training schedule, his therapy for his injury, and the fact that he is playing both for the national U18 team and at Tommen. However, rather than feeling anger or resentment toward his exhaustion, he instead accepts his structured life and lack of ability to be “well, [a] teenager” as a consequence of wanting to follow his dreams (21). The darker side of Johnny’s admirable focus and drive is an obsessive fear of losing his dreams. This fear leads him to hide his pain—refusing support from others and avoiding the rest that would allow his body to heal. After struggling with a groin injury for months, he finally decides to have surgery; however, instead of recovering from the surgery appropriately, he lies to his doctors and hides the true pain that he is in, potentially endangering his future. His sole focus becomes making the U20 national rugby team, even as he finds himself in too much pain to move and constantly limping from his injury.

Because the people around Johnny see only his success and not his pain, they reward him for that success in ways that increase the pressure he feels. He gets personal favors from the school secretary, who allows him to break school rules, he is regularly served alcohol with his friends at Biddies despite being a minor, and he constantly promises tickets to his games to people like the taxi driver and Joey in return for favors. Although Johnny admits that he is annoyed by the attention that he gets from his rugby skill, he is also open about the fact that he uses it to his advantage throughout the novel—thereby applying further pressure on himself to continue his success in order to continue to receive the advantages that come with it.

One of the central focuses in the novel is Johnny’s inability to enjoy his childhood because of the pressure to succeed at rugby. He explains that he largely socializes with grown men in rugby and has sex with older women, wanting to avoid the “bullshit” (46) that comes with younger girls. In his own words, he explains that his “childhood was robbed from [him] because of [his] ability to play rugby” (47). This sentiment is reflected by his mother, who has a similar conversation with Shannon in the car. Ultimately, Johnny finds relief from the pressures of rugby through his relationship with Shannon. After the two sit in her room for hours studying, he thinks to himself, “Where the hell did the time go? I never missed a meal. I wasn’t even sore. I couldn’t remember the last time I spent four hours sitting down” (470). In other words, something as simple as losing track of time studying with Shannon is a shift away from the pressures of Johnny’s daily life, and this shift allows him the space to see how he has been harming himself. When Shannon expresses her love for him in the hospital—regardless of whether he plays rugby or not—Johnny realizes for the first time in years that he is worthy of love with or without rugby.