Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

This chapter opens with the story of a woman who struggled to have an orgasm with her partner. Her mind would fill with anxious thoughts during intercourse. By deciding not to focus on having an orgasm, she found sex more enjoyable and even found that she was able to orgasm more often. Women experience orgasms differently. Dr. Nagoski describes orgasm as “a sense that you’ve crossed a threshold” (250). Women may not always have an orgasm during intercourse or while masturbating. They may occur during sleep or in nonsexual situations. Like genital response, orgasms are not always indicative of arousal or desire— nonconcordance can occur with orgasms too.

Orgasms may feel different depending on context, and they are not always a pleasurable experience. There are many types of orgasms that can come from many types of stimuli. The value of the orgasm comes from pleasure—how much it was wanted and enjoyed. Stimuli can vary, and many women who masturbate do not need vaginal penetration to orgasm. In fact, many women find that vaginal penetration has an insignificant effect on whether they orgasm. Dr. Nagoski offers two hypotheses for what works most consistently: Stimulation of the front wall of the