Crash

On the first day of seventh grade at Springfield Middle School, Mike pretends to like Penn, high-fiving him and calling him “Webberoni.” Mike and Crash ask Penn about his new school clothes—they look old and worn—and Penn says his mom buys them for him. Mike says, “Maybe Second Time Around?” (33). It’s a used clothing store, somewhere Mike and Crash would never be caught dead in. Penn says “Maybe,” and Mike and Crash burst out laughing but pretend have coughing fits.

A new girl attends school, and Crash notices her, thinking, “she’s, like, Whoa!” (34). All the guys check her out. Thinking she’s a newly revamped girl he already knows, Crash walks up to her—“She was a goddess” (35)—and greets her. She explains that she’s not who he thinks she is. Crash follows her and asks again. She repeats her first response and walks away. Mike doubles over in laughter.

The new girl’s name is Jane Forbes. At lunch, Crash and Mike speculate on whether she’ll join the cheerleading squad. Crash is a fullback and he crows that she’ll fall for him and ignore Mike, who’s a lineman. They start whacking each other with hot dogs, then squish each other’s bread rolls, overturn side dishes, and spit milk at each other, morphing from fun-loving to competitive as the kids around them watch. The cafeteria is in an uproar with laughter when a teacher stops them.

The vice principal lets Crash and Mike off with a warning and a request to save it for the football field. After school, the football squad joins cheerleaders and field hockey players at the gym. Sitting in the bleachers, Mike nudges Crash and points to the cheerleaders at the scoreboard end of the room. Crash thinks Mike is pointing to Jane Forbes among the cheerleaders until he notices that Penn Webb is among the cheerleading team.

Crash and Mike go to Crash’s house, where they eat pizza and sundaes and speculate about Penn the cheerleader. They struggle to imagine Penn lifting a girl during a cheer.

Mrs. Coogan arrives home, exhausted, and flops down on the sofa. Abby jumps on her lap in greeting. Her mom says Abby’s not three anymore and shouldn’t be so perky; Abby says, “I have to be perky, Mom, ’cause you’re so tired all the time. I gotta make up for you” (43). An even-more-tired Dad arrives home and Abby greets him with a big hug. She asks him how many square feet are in an acre and her mom, now a real estate agent, shouts the answer from the kitchen. Her dad looks puzzled and Abby says it’s a “Surprise” but won’t say more.

The Coogans dine on cheesesteaks and talk about Penn trying out for the cheerleading team. Crash and his father laugh at the idea. Crash says Penn gets his clothes from a thrift store and his dad rolls his eyes. Abby and her mom think it’s nothing to laugh at, and Abby suddenly wants to get her clothes there, too. Her mom gently scolds Abby for assuming that the size of an acre is “men’s stuff,” and that “That kind of thinking […] will make you a second-class citizen” (47).

After dinner, Abby, grinning, arms raised in triumph: She loudly notes that the family finally shared a meal together.

Crash and Mike like to mess with Penn, making his things disappear and then reappear, or pinning a “Pinch me” tag on his back. Penn never figures it out, and he never gets mad.

Crash sits behind Penn in geography class. During the first week of school, when Penn takes off his sneakers, Crash fills them with mustard from a squeeze dispenser. At the bell, Penn puts his shoes back on while Crash and Mike laugh their heads off in the hall. Penn emerges calmly from the classroom wearing yellow socks and holding his shoes.

As they don their uniforms in the locker room, Crash and Mike genially insult each other’s looks and body odors. On the way across the field, they slap at each other and start slamming into one another. They’re pumped up: Football season is starting. Another player, defensive back Eric Schultz, pushes them aside: “Excuse me, girls” (53). They tackle him and the coaches break it up. Laughing, the coaches worry about the fate of the first team the boys will face.

As the football players do warm-up laps, Crash and Mike notice the cheerleaders emerging onto the field. They see Jane Forbes at the drinking fountain, helping Penn Webb clean his sneakers.

On the way home, Mike teases Crash about Jane and Penn. Crash insists he’s not interested in “that stuck-up bimbo” (54). At Crash’s house, they again order pizza. On orders from his mom, Crash gets extra for Abby. When they eat, Abby pulls the pepperoni from her slices. Crash asks why, and she announces that she’s now a vegetarian and won’t eat anything that has a face. Sarcastically, Crash wonders aloud if pepperoni have faces and travel in herds. Mike thinks they’re not on ranches, but you can hunt them in the wild. They crack themselves up arguing about hunting season and pepperoni poachers. Abby gets mad and leaves.

Mike notices something moving near the fridge. He pokes the area with a broom handle, and something darts out. Crash screams. Abby enters and wonders why her brother is standing on the kitchen table. Mike says they saw a mouse and Crash insists it was a rat. Abby rebukes her brother for being a coward. She asks where the rodent went. Mike nods toward the dining room, and Abby darts off after it.

The Coogans return from work and, despite Abby’s pleas, Crash tells them about the rodent. They sag at the news and decide to set out a trap. Mrs. Coogan scolds Crash for leaving his smelly football laundry in the entry hall. Crash follows his dad into his office, where he boasts about besting Schultz at practice. His dad compliments him but is distracted, focused on continuing his work. Crash wants his dad to attend the first game, but he doesn’t press his luck and leaves.

Upstairs, he walks past the many paintings by his mom that hang in the hallway. One is of him as an infant in diapers, smiling. On the painting’s glass enclosure, someone has sketched onto the face a mustache. Crash rubs it off.

In the first game of the season, Crash runs for six touchdowns and his team wins 45 to 13. On the first play of the game, the quarterback hands the ball off to Crash, who dashes through a hole Mike creates in the defending line, stiff-arms a linebacker, plows over a safety, and runs in for a touchdown. His team mobs him, then carries him back on their shoulders. From his viewpoint, Crash sees the cheerleaders jumping up and down. One of them is Penn Webb and it gives Crash the willies.

Crash looks up at the stands and can’t find his parents, but he sees Webb’s mom and dad cheering. Not wanting to do less than wonderfully on each play, since his parents might show up at any time, Crash runs for long gains. His sixth touchdown comes early in the second half. Crash looks up and his parents still aren’t there, but Webb’s parents are, cheering wildly. He wants to strangle them, thinking, “I’m not doing this for you, so stop acting so damn grateful!” (63-64).

Along with the rest of the first string, Crash gets replaced, but he resists. The coach comes onto the field and threatens to bench him for the entire next game. They trot off the field as the crowd cheers and chants Crash’s name. He notices Jane Forbes glaring at him.

Crash walks home alone late in the afternoon. On his block, he smells cooking. It makes him think of family and he walks clear around the block to see where it’s coming from. It emanates from his own house. He walks in and finds his granddad Scooter stirring up something in the kitchen.