First They Killed My Father

“They’re not nice people. Look at their shoes - they wear sandals made of car tires...It shows that these people are destroyers of things.”

This is the first time that Loung and her family see the soldiers from the Khmer Rouge. Prior to this quote, Ung comments to herself about their greasy hair. Interestingly, her father notices their shoes. Clothes are important symbols for Loung, who identifies colorful dresses with her old life of freedom, and dark clothes with the death wrought by the Khmer Rouge. Meanwhile, The Khmer Rouge do not just destroy things, but entire cities and millions of people, including Ung’s father.

“Ma! It’s money. I can’t use money!”

The first day that the Ungs are on the road, Loung needs to relieve herself. When the toilet paper is gone, her mother gives her money to use to wipe herself. Ung exclaims that she cannot use this, and her mother replies that “[it] is of no use anymore” (25). This is an eye-opening moment for Ung. If money is no longer valuable, times have really changed.

“I wonder if the gods and dragons will come help us now.”

Pa tells Loung stories of the Buddhist gods and of dragons coming to earth. These stories are special to Loung. As the family quickly adjusts to their new life of poverty and starvation, Loung wonders who will help her. Loung’s appreciation of Buddhist symbols reemerges later when the Khmer Rouge destroy a famed temple, depriving the gods of their homes.

“There are no doctors anywhere. Go away!”

Ung sees an old woman who is on the verge of dying. In her former life, she knew that doctors helped people when they were ready to die. Unfortunately, in the extreme poverty of the villages, health care is non-existent. This is the first moment that Ung realizes there is no help for the suffering.

“I bribed someone with one of your Ma’s gold necklaces to put our names on a list so we could leave.”

This line shows that Loung’s parents are resourceful. They might not realize it, but they are teaching Loung the skills she needs to survive on her own. Moreover, the jewelry is symbolic of the Ungs’ former life.

“It is no longer safe for us to stay here.”

While this statement might not be the most memorable, it defines the time that Ung and her family spend trying to survive the Khmer Rouge in the camps. The family can never get comfortable or reveal who they really are because the Khmer Rouge soldiers would immediately kill them. The line also reveals how quickly Loung is disabused of her childhood notions of safety, all at the young age of five.

“The killings have started.”

Ung’s father shares this information with her older brothers. The Khmer Rouge kill teachers, doctors, students, artists and other educated people that they thought would be a threat against them. In end scholars believe the Khmer Rouge killed anywhere between one and two million people between 1975 and 1979.

“By wearing the same thing, we rid ourselves of the corrupt Western creation of vanity.”

When the family reaches Ro Leap, they quickly learn how the work camp functions. The Khmer Rouge believe that electronics, clothing and televisions create divisions in the country. They want everyone to be the same. They work hard to brainwash the Cambodians into believing that foreigners were dangerous. Moreover, they align educated urbanites like the Ungs with foreigners by labeling them as having been tainted by Western influences.

“The Angkar will provide you with everything you need.”

The Angkar are the Khmer Rouge. This promise stuck with Ung, but she does not believe the Khmer Rouge fulfilled it. This reflects another tactic of genocidal authoritarian regimes: that no matter how cruel the ruling party is, those rulers are the only hope for the average citizen to survive.

“My poor little monkey, my poor little monkey.”

Loung’s mother says this every night to Kim. While at Ro Leap, Kim works for the chief and is rewarded with leftover food every day. However, he gets the food because the chief’s children spit on him and beat him. This quote coincides with the moment the family begins to feel guilty about eating the extra food.

“[T]he soldiers destroyed Buddhist temples and worshiping sites throughout the country with major destruction done to the area known as Angkor Wat, an ancient religious site important to Kampuchean history.”

Loung is disgusted by the way the Khmer Rouge treats the country. After this line, she writes about the times that she visited Angkor Wat with her family. Angkor Wat is yet another symbol of Loung’s childhood that the Khmer Rouge destroys.

“I wonder where the gods go now that their homes have been destroyed.”

Loung ponders the gods again. She thinks deeply for a young child. At the same time, despite the extent to which Loung is forced to mature in a very short period of time, this quote betrays her characteristically childlike notions of spirituality.

“A few days after her abduction, the bruises on her face turned deep purple before they gradually disappeared. The scabs on her arms dried up and became little scars, barely visible. But to Davi, they would always be there.”

Davi is abducted one night by Khmer Rouge soldiers. After she returns, she is a defeated girl. Ung does not know exactly what happened to her. The Khmer Rouge take many other girls each night. Some come back, some do not.

“They have the power of judge, jury, police, and army. They have the rifles.”

Ung recognizes that the villagers have no power against the Khmer Rouge. It is through this total usurpation of power that the Khmer Rouge manages to commit unspeakable atrocities on a massive scale with impunity. Moreover, it explains why there are few opportunities for the people to push back against the totalitarian regime.

“Under his gaze, I shift my position uncomfortably and move away from his sight, troubled to receive such love from my brother when all around me there is only hate.”

As Loung spends more time under the control of the Khmer Rouge, it is evident that her young heart begins to harden. She loves her brothers and they love her, too; but as a young girl, it is difficult for her to understand the different emotions that she experiences. Loung’s struggle to maintain her humanity and her capacity to love amid such horrific violence and deprivation comprises a big part of her chief character arc.

“I do not care why or how the Angkar plans to restore Cambodia. All I know is the constant pain of hunger in my stomach.”

Before she writes these words, her sister Keav is forced to leave to work in a camp for teenage girls. Her brother, Kim, is fired from the chief’s house. Her older brothers have to leave to work in different camps, too. At this point in the story, Ung falls faster toward rock bottom. Moreover, this quote reflects Loung’s broader narrative approach, in that she focuses on the sensations of falling victim to the Khmer Rouge as opposed to the broader political context of the genocide.

“Eight grains are all I have left!”

Here, Loung receives her rations for the night. She sits under a tree and tries to make her rice soup last. The fact that she can actually count the number of grains makes her starvation very real to the reader.

“I am six years old and instead of celebrating with birthday cakes, I chew on a piece of charcoal.”

This imagery is powerful. On New Year’s Day, all children are officially one year older. Loung shares memories about her previous birthdays, but this one is unforgettable.

“Keav’s last wish was not granted; she did not get to see Pa before she died.”

Loung’s sister dies alone in a dirty camp infirmary. Her parents try to reach the camp, but they are too late. Keav’s death is hard on Loung because she looked up to Keav. The death of her older sister continues to fuel her rage toward the Khmer Rouge.

“I hate the gods for not bringing Pa back. I am a kid, not even seven years old, but somehow I will kill Pol Pot.”

This quote speaks volumes about the anger and rage that Loung feels regarding the death of her father. The Khmer Rouge say they only need Pa’s help for one night and that he would return, but he never does. This quote also reflects the extent to which the victims of violence seek to externalize violence against their oppressors.

“I see Ma in a different light now, and have more pride in her strength.”

After Loung’s father is taken, her mother needs to step up and take care of the family. She begins working in the fields and eventually in the water fishing for shrimp. Just before Loung’s comments about her mother, she gave her daughter some shrimp to eat, which could result in death for both mother and daughter if they are caught “stealing” shrimp from the Angkar.

“I can’t die, Pa. There is nothing we can do but go on living. But, one day, they will all suffer as we are suffering now.”

Loung’s brother, Kim, has been successfully stealing corn from the fields, but one night he is caught and beaten by the Khmer Rouge soldiers. Loung copes by thinking about her father and how she wants revenge on the soldiers who have destroyed her family. This is one of many moments in which she retreats into her rich inner life to deal with death and starvation.

“Angkar is all-powerful! Angkar is the savior and liberator of the Khmer people!”

Here, Loung must leave her mother because her mother worries that they will all be killed. Ung ends up in a child camp and pm her first night experiences the propaganda from Angkar. The children have to listen to the propaganda and chant, too. This is a stark example of how authoritarian regimes function by separating children from their parents before indoctrinating them.