It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

Cognitive dissonance occurs when an individual holds contradictory beliefs, values, or emotions simultaneously, leading to psychological stress. In the context of narcissistic abuse, victims often experience cognitive dissonance as they struggle to reconcile the idealized image of the abuser with harmful behaviors. Durvasula explains that cognitive dissonance can cause victims to rationalize or excuse abusive actions, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Narcissists often lack empathy, a central deficit that enables them to manipulate and harm others without remorse. Durvasula discusses how the absence of empathy in narcissists underlies many of their destructive relational patterns and affects their victims.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to destabilize another person’s belief in their perception of reality. It is often employed by narcissists to maintain control and dominance in relationships. Throughout the book, Durvasula defines gaslighting as a core strategy of narcissistic abuse, leading victims to question their sanity and trust in their own experiences, thereby deepening reliance on the abuser.

Hoovering is a manipulation strategy used by narcissists to suck their former partners back into the relationship after a separation or break-up. It is characterized by temporary gestures of affection or promises of change to entice the victim back. Durvasula describes hoovering as a dangerous phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle, where victims are at risk of returning to abusive situations under the false premise of reconciliation.

Intermittent reinforcement involves unpredictable rewards and punishments that create a compelling and addictive relationship dynamic. Durvasula explains that this behavior is typical in narcissistic relationships, where unpredictable positive reinforcement (e.g., love, gifts, compliments) is interspersed with periods of neglect or abuse, keeping the victim in a state of psychological dependency.

Love bombing is an intense display of affection and attention, typically at the beginning of a relationship, used by narcissists to entrap their partners. Durvasula describes love bombing as a seductive but deceptive tactic that creates a powerful emotional bond. This connection makes it difficult for the victim to recognize subsequent abusive behaviors as the relationship progresses.

Manipulation in the context of narcissistic relationships involves influencing or controlling someone to serve one’s purposes, often at the other’s expense. The book details various manipulative tactics used by narcissists, such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and using emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment.

Narcissistic entitlement refers to the belief that one deserves special treatment and exemptions from the rules that apply to others. Durvasula outlines how entitlement fuels the manipulative and often aggressive behaviors of narcissists, as they place their needs and desires above those of others, expecting constant accommodation.

A narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth is threatened or challenged, often resulting in intense anger or retaliatory behaviors. Durvasula discusses how narcissists react to perceived slights with extreme responses—which are disproportionate to the event—due to their fragile self-image.

Narcissistic supply refers to the validation, admiration, and attention that narcissists seek from others to bolster their self-esteem and maintain their self-image. The book details how narcissists manipulate their relationships to ensure a continuous flow of supply, often at the emotional and psychological expense of their partners.

Radical acceptance involves fully accepting reality as it is, without attempting to change or protest it. Durvasula advocates for radical acceptance as a healing strategy for survivors of narcissistic abuse, helping them to acknowledge the true nature of their relationship with the narcissist and to disengage from futile efforts to change the narcissist’s behavior.

Self-compassion involves being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical. It plays a crucial role in healing from narcissistic abuse. Durvasula encourages victims to practice self-compassion to recover from the guilt and shame inflicted by abusive relationships.

Narcissists display this behavior when searching for new sources of attention and narcissistic refueling, often after current sources are depleted. The book illustrates how narcissists may engage in serial relationships or sudden shifts in social circles to ensure a constant influx of admiration and attention.

Trauma bonding refers to the strong emotional attachment formed between a victim and an abuser, facilitated by cycles of abuse interspersed with periods of kindness. The book explains how trauma bonds are formed through intermittent reinforcement of rewards and punishments, which creates powerful emotional dependence on the abuser.