She Kills Monsters

Throughout the play, Agnes shifts from indifference and sarcasm to outrage and obsession as she struggles to cope with the loss of her family members. The actual car accident is dramatized in a flashback with shadow puppets, and this unique medium cleverly emphasizes the dark, elusive, and shadowy quality of the trauma that haunts Agnes. Through the discovery of Tilly’s module, Agnes addresses her loss and repressed grief, and although the stages of her mourning are painful, Agnes ultimately navigates the fear of forgetting and the pain of remembering on her journey to acceptance.

The process of moving out of her family home functions as a catalyst for Agnes to confront her grief over her family’s death. Early in the play, Agnes packs up Tilly’s belongings as she prepares to move in with Miles, and given that this event is occurring two years after her family’s death, the timeline suggests that Agnes has avoided addressing her family’s death and has left Tilly’s room undisturbed for all this time and is only now confronting the reality of their passing. Miles also implies that she has repressed her grief when he later explains why he wants to join her in the game. He tells her, “[Y]ou never talk about Tilly or your parents or any of it. I just…if this could help me get to know you better, I wanna try” (65). Agnes’s avoidance of her grief thus leaves her detached from progressing in her own life, and Miles admits that he does not know her as closely as he would like to or that she would allow. His comment is especially significant considering that the couple is in the process of moving in together, a paradoxical display of physical closeness stymied by emotional distance. Miles feels that real closeness might be possible if she can finally express repressed emotions and share her feelings with him.

Agnes’s unresolved grief stems from the difficulty of accepting the death of her loved ones and reconciling her guilt for not being a more supportive sister to Tilly. When she discovers Tilly’s module, the script prompts her to reconnect with Tilly in hopes of establishing a closer bond, just as Miles later hopes that the game will help him feel closer to Agnes. She tells Tilly in New Landia, “I know all this meant a lot to you so I just want to—” (16). Although Tilly cuts her short and advises her not to use the game as therapy, Agnes does learn much about her sister that she never knew. However, instead of feeling closer to her, Agnes feels guilt for not being more aware of Tilly’s creative talents and lesbian identity. The game evolves to become a further reminder of her loss and the missed opportunities where she could have shown more interest in Tilly’s life. She confesses to Vera, “I don’t remember her as a teen at all” (73). Frustrated by her inability to enact any change that can bring Tilly back or erase her guilt, Agnes quits the game and declares, “I’m done talking to ghosts. Good-bye” (71), opting for a time to retreat from both the module and her memories in a futile attempt to suppress the grief and regret that they evoke.

Stuck between the fantasy where Tilly is alive and the reality that risks completely burying her memory, Agnes ultimately finds a balance by returning to the module with a renewed perspective. Through the memories of Tilly’s friends, Agnes learns that playing Dungeons and Dragons filled Tilly’s teenage years with adventure, pleasure, and support. At the end of the quest, Tilly appears as “the real TILLY” (82) dressed in her regular clothes. She asks Agnes, “Did you have fun? That’s the point in all this. Did you have fun?” (82). Tilly’s simple question allows Agnes to remember her sister as an enthusiastic, imaginative girl who wanted to share something she loved and enjoyed with her older sister. By completing the Quest of the Lost Soul of Athens, Agnes finds resolution and peace by accepting Tilly’s death and letting her spirit live on in her stories, her friends, and their collective memories.