The Impossible Knife of Memory

Andy reveals that Roy died while deployed. Hayley wonders, “Is there anything worse than watching your father cry?” (331) and thinks about how heroic he seemed when she was a child. Everyone in Roy’s platoon was killed or injured, and Andy states that the injured will “never be able to complain” (332) since they lived. He has broken many things in the house, and there is glass everywhere. Hayley cleans up while Andy keeps drinking. She tells him he should shower or eat, but he says no. He watches TV and drinks more.

Hayley stays home from school the next day to keep cleaning. Her dad tells her gruesome war stories she has already “heard a million times before” (335) while he drinks. He makes her listen all night until he throws up and passes out after four in the morning.

Hayley wakes to the sound of Michael and a strange man playing video games in the living room. Her dad is sitting with them, smoking weed. Hayley tells him to make them leave, but he wants them to stay. He asks Hayley to make them breakfast. Hayley wants to shoot Michael or scare him by shooting above him but knows she cannot. She threatens to call the police, and they tell her not to.

She goes outside, takes pictures of all their motorcycle plates, and calls 911 from inside her dad’s truck. Michael and his friend leave on their motorcycles, and Hayley tells the 911 operator no one needs to come anymore. The operator tells her that someone is already on their way. Hayley panics at all the possibilities, including the police finding her dad’s drugs. She calls Trish for help.

Hayley quickly cleans and flushes her dad’s drugs. Trish comes over and puts Andy in bed, then handles the conversation with the two police officers who arrive. Hayley answers the same questions a couple times, telling the police that her dad is sick and she does not know who the men were. She tells them she has pictures of their license plates.

The police send Andy to the hospital in an ambulance to be treated for dehydration. Hayley paces at home, unsure what the future holds. She leaves in her dad’s truck.

Hayley goes to the school pool, where Finn is lifeguarding. He asks why she is there and then jumps in the pool. He swims and discusses how his sister never showed up for Thanksgiving. Hayley tells him she did not have Thanksgiving. She says she never upheld her part of the bet that if he sat on the edge of the quarry, then he could teach her to swim. Finn is surprised but grabs a bathing suit for her.

Hayley gets in the pool and says she cannot float. Finn gets her a kickboard. He guides her around the shallow end while they talk. He directs her to close her eyes and think about something happy. She thinks about the stars on the night of their first date. He asks why she has not been in school, and she confesses everything. He helps her float without the kickboard, and then fully on her own. When Hayley opens her eyes, she sees that she has been in the deep end. They apologize for the past and kiss until they are interrupted by elderly women arriving for a water aerobics class.

Trish brings Andy home and tells Hayley that he has a few health issues. At the VA hospital, they were told he would have to wait three months for an appointment, but Trish got him an earlier one after talking to a nurse in private. Trish says that Andy wants her to move in, but she is not going to; she will live nearby with a friend. Hayley tells Trish about swimming with Finn and mentions the time she almost drowned as a child. Trish corrects Hayley, saying she did not fall in the pool—her dad did, and Hayley jumped in after him. Trish says he had a seizure or stroke in the water so he could not help Hayley. He told her that “drowning is not a bad way to go” (358). As Trish leaves, Hayley calls out the door, thanking her.

They establish a routine. Andy has a row of prescriptions that he takes every morning before school so Hayley can see. He then goes back to bed. Trish comes to their house for Sunday dinners, and Andy seems to be doing better; he is drinking less and writing a lot of letters. Hayley enjoys taking swim lessons with Finn and watching him lifeguard. When she is with Finn, it feels like “the world spun properly on its axis, and gravity worked,” but “at home, the planet tilted so far on its side it was hard to tell which way was up” (361).

On Christmas Eve, Finn gives Hayley a coupon book for more swimming lessons. She gives him a homemade candleholder shaped like an owl. Hayley decorates the Christmas tree and gives her dad a map with markings of their cross-country trips. He gives Hayley her grandmother’s pearl necklace. Hayley says she remembers her grandmother wearing it, and her dad is glad. He does not say much over the next few days. Trish leaves Hayley a gift certificate and a note saying she will be in Austin over the new year. Hayley had baked her a pie but does not get to see her.

Hayley wakes up early to attend a swim meet that Finn will be lifeguarding. Her dad is awake and has just showered. He observes that she is happier and seems to be getting used to her new life. He gives her “a quick, fierce hug” (367). The swim meet gets canceled because of a snow storm, so Finn and Hayley drive back to her house to wait for the snow to stop. Finn notices two presents under the tree. They open them to find a macaroni-and-cheese box and a butter box. The butter box contains a Bronze Star; the macaroni-and-cheese box has two gold rings and a Purple Heart.

Hayley screams for her dad to open his bedroom door. She kicks at it and then knows it down with an ax. He is not in his room, which is “perfectly tidy, ready for inspection” (370). All his guns are locked away. Hayley checks every room in the house for her dad or signs that he hurt himself. She does not find anything until she gets to her grandmother’s room, where she finds a box on the bed. Inside are pictures of her mom and her family that she has never seen. There are also dozens of letters for her, dated for her future birthdays and Christmases. Crying, Hayley realizes that Finn is talking to her. He gives her the phone, saying Trish is calling; she found a letter that Andy put in her suitcase. Finn wants to know who to call and what to do.

In a letter to Trish, Andy writes that he “can’t do it anymore” and wants Hayley to “live her own life instead of worrying about [him]” (372). He says Hayley needs Trish. He says he loves Hayley and she looks like her mom.

The police arrive at Hayley’s house. They are gathering information but think things are probably okay since Andy has not been gone long. They tell Hayley that despite her dad’s letter, they cannot start looking until the next day, when he can be considered a missing person. Hayley knows her dad is not at a bar like the police suggest. She thinks he is “on a mission […] sober, clear-thinking, and following a plan” (375). She recalls nearly drowning in the pool as a child and realizes that she knows where her dad is.

Finn thinks they should ask the police for help, but Hayley does not want to risk her dad’s reaction to seeing police. Finn drives Hayley to the quarry. She runs through the thick snow and climbs the fence. She sees her dad sitting on the edge. She approaches him quietly to avoid scaring him. He tells her to stop, and she tells him he has to leave with her. Andy notices that her knee is injured from jumping off the fence. He tries to stop her from coming closer to him. She yells at him to shut up. She sees police lights and hears Finn yelling. She begs her dad to be brave, saying, “You can’t do this, you can’t quit! […] It’s not fair!” (381). She says she will jump after he does. Andy begs her to retreat to safety, insisting that she does not understand: She is only standing on snow with no rock underneath. Hayley tells him he is loved and he has to keep living. She starts to fall, but her dad pulls her to safety.

Hayley tells the reader that her life is not “the ‘Happily Ever After’ crap” (385). She and Andy both suffered injuries from the quarry. Trish moved in to help take care of them. She says, “Dad called his version of Happily Ever After ‘Good Enough for Today’” (387).

These days, Andy is going to therapy and working a new job at the post office, although he was fired from two other jobs first. Finn gets into Swevenbury with a scholarship. Hayley graduates high school on time, takes the SATs, and gets into college. She enjoys the summer with Finn. On the night before they both have to leave, they share a picnic. They will be going to college in opposite directions. They kiss and fall asleep. In the morning, Hayley worries about leaving her dad. Finn says that everything will be okay and it is good to be scared. He notes how she has changed; she used to be a zombie who shut out her past, “just getting by, minute to minute” (390). Hayley admits she did that because her memories hurt. Finn says that their good memories will always be a comfort they can rely on.