We Are Okay

In August, the days after Mabel leaves for college, Marin spends a lot of time at the beach. She watches the water and tries to imagine her mother there. She sees two surfers looking at her and, she imagines, explaining to their companion who she is. One of the men approaches and says she looks a lot like her mother; he says, “I’ve got a van in the lot and some time to spare” (159). Marin stiffens and dismisses him. Feeling awful, she tries to think of what she needs to fill the growing hole inside her. She thinks of Ana but feels stupid, as Ana is not her mother. Instead, she goes home, calling out to Gramps that she needs cake urgently. He doesn’t respond, and she finds him in his study behaving distantly. Marin wishes for their previous closeness. He doesn’t leave his room at all, not even to make dinner. Marin waits on the loveseat until the sitting becomes painful and then goes to her bedroom.

In Marin’s dorm room, Mabel asks her to talk to her. Marin realizes she’s gone silent without realizing it. She says she misses Gramps. Their knees touch, but Marin realizes there is no way to go back to when they were lovers again. She thinks it may be possible to go earlier, though, to when they were best friends. She explains what she learned to Mabel: Gramps had a walk-in closet in his bedroom that was “where he really lived” and “full of stuff” (163-64). Mabel asks about the stuff, and Marin says, “Letters, to start. They were all written by him. He signed her name, but he wrote all of them” (164).